So glad to see you too dad.  Yeah, uh huh, my semester went really well. Thanks for asking..

I go home in eleven days. I used to count down the days until this day would come, but now i’m trying to reverse the days.  I don’t belong here in California, but I sure as hell don’t belong back home either.  I guess my biggest thing is i’m scared.  I don’t want to face my past.  I don”t want to get wrapped up in things again.  I don’t want to see my ex and I don’t want to be that girl again.  The saddest thing is, as much as I don’t want to be that girl anymore, I know that’s who i’ll be when I go home and i’m not strong enough to surpass that, not yet anyway.  In all honesty, i’m worn out.  I can’t be the strong one anymore.  I need people in my life pushing me and holding me accountable, but no matter where I turn that never seems to arise.  Life continuously slaps  me in the face and tells me it’s only me.  I have to be there for myself, I have to pick myself up off the ground and the only hope I have is stored in my heavenly Father. I know that I am growing and being challenged in new ways at school and that’s a good thing, it’s a really good thing.  When I leave i’m going to fall back to ground zero and I am almost positive I won’t want to come back.  I want to stay here and finish my degree at Biola, I want to have a home here, I do.  But when I leave I don’t know if i’ll come back.  This summer is a dark alley, I really don’t know where its path will lead me.  I am praying to God that things will work out the way I want them to but considering my previous plans, I know God always has a different plan than I have for myself. I’m searching for something, there is something missing and I don’t know what it is.  For the past 5 years i’ve been looking and it kills me that I am not allowing God to fill that vague.  Maybe i’m not forgiving myself for my history, or me lacking faith, or wanting more rather than being content with what I have.  Regardless, i’m living my life fearful, not trusting a single person.  As much as I try I won’t let anybody in.  I tried opening up and she was ripped away from me.  I just want someone to be there for me, someone who is stable and who will challenge me and help me grow. Most of all, I just really don’t want to go home.  I don’t want to face my broken family and its pain.  I don’t want to face the arguments that are to come.  I’m tired of not being good enough and not meeting their standards, I just want to move on from it all.  I want to start living my life.

All the chisels I’ve dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand ‘neath the waves. 
I’ve recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away.

Through another day, 
Another trial, 
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I see.
I’m reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that You’d understand, 
You’re the only One who’s faithful to me. 
All the pennies I’ve wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots,
Dropped my guard,
Searched aimlessly.
For a faith to be faithful to me. 

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/faithful_to_me_lyrics_jennifer_knapp.html
All about Jennifer Knapp: http://www.musictory.com/music/Jennifer+Knapp